Introduction

I’m starting this blog for two purposes. One, to try to educate loved ones of those struggling with eating disorders and two, let others in my position know that they are not alone in there struggle.  I have so much to share about my journey, my battles, and my insights. I am what they call “in recovery” from anorexia. I went to a center for four months and it literally saved my life. I began to feel alive again there, but all too soon those thoughts were taking over again. Yes…I am still in recovery, but it is a battle everyday that has continued to become harder and harder. My first memories of body image troubles were when I was 7 years old. I was on my way to the zoo with my best friend at the time and I couldn’t help but notice that her thighs were skinnier than mine. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but I couldn’t think of anything else the whole trip. As I grew older it became a dangerous obsession. Even after years of in-patient and out-patient therapy, I still get a sick, anxious feeling when I’m around another girl that’s skinnier than me. But...I have taken steps and tried to push those feeling away, as hard as it is.  I feel like there is strong side of me that is a monster feeding me lies, but I’d like to believe that the other side of me is stronger.  I work hard for that No matter what I will keep fighting these thoughts of worthlessness and anger. I will not let them defeat me. It would be so easy to relapse. I feel comfort in my eating disorder.  It has been with me for years.  Without it it's hard to know who I am.  But I know I will never reach my goals while it has a hold on my life and soul. Now to the families that have loved ones facing this battle. So often it is believed that eating disorders are just about wanting to be skinny. The remedy seems simple. “just eat” I’ve been told.  For some, maybe it is all about being skinny, but most of us have deeper problems that manifest themselves through eating disorders. When I was young the expectations of what and who I should be were high…and I felt that I could never live up to them. I would never be perfect, but I knew I could control what my body looked like. It was the only thing I could control. I hated everything about myself, but I knew I could love my body if only I could be thin enough.  I could be perfect in that sense.  I felt that I had nothing else going for me and nothing else I was good at.  Food was the enemy and i felt so powerful when i didn't cave in to the tempation to eat and heartbroken and worthless when i couldn't resist.   I gave up dreams, relationships, and my health to achieve this idea of “perfection” I had in my mind. Nothing else mattered but reaching my goal. The comments from people saying I looked unhealthy and unattractive were the best complements to me. When I was at my lowest weight I felt the most beautiful I have ever felt. My bones protruding were my favorite thing to see and feel. They proved to me that i did have control and while i could never live up to what was pushed on me and expected of me, I had one success that was mine alone...a goal I myself lived up to.  But eventually it started to kill me.  I couldn't dance anymore, i couldn't walk for long before my heart started palpitating   I had to make the hardest choice i had ever made then.  At some point I decided my life was worth saving, i got treatment, and here I am. Still fighting and still struggling to keep those self destructive thoughts from my mind. Some days are better than others, but I keep trying and never give up…because I have to believe that life can and will be better than this someday.