A different story

This is an essay a friend that also has been where I have wrote:

A very important event, occurrence, challenge in my life has effected a few years and now the rest of my life in a good but bad and almost deathly way. In my life, I faced some challenges. Looking back at them, there was one that stuck out. It was the period in my life where I was at my lowest, literally. Lowest in mind set meaning I saw no future, I saw no tomorrow and lowest in weight. Then end of the best summer I ever had was coming to an end, but the last week of the summer of 2007, I was diagnosed with an illness that only I could cure, that is if I wanted to be cured.
In the summer of 2007 I went on vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with my best friend and her family. That means I would be going to the beach every day which then means I will be in a bathing suit. Now when you put a girls mind to that thought, they want to look good and fit in a bathing suit. I was always in good shape because I was always active on a sports team. But there was always the thought in my head, I have to be just five pounds thinner, then I’d really be in shape. It was about time to take action, I had a goal and I wanted to reach it. I reached that goal not only once but about six more times in the few months I had before the vacation. At the time, I thought I looked incredible, I was toned and fit. The truth I was far from healthy, if anything I was near death. I went to Myrtle Beach, continued the routine I had been doing to lose those five more pounds, had a blast, got back and was told I need to go to the doctor. From that doctor’s appointment on, I was now “ill” and I was going to have this “illness” for the rest of my life. Not many people know much about this disease or see it as important because it seems to be accepted in society, but the truth is it is one of the most deadly diseases. The doctor diagnosed me with the illness Anorexia Nervosa.
The definition of Anorexia Nervosa is defined as an eating disorder that involves self-imposed starvation or by over exercising, which evolves from a distorted self-image, and an intense fear of being overweight. I was at the doctor’s office in complete denial, I was not starving myself, I could exercise and eat what I want, I don’t need someone telling me what my lifestyle should be like and telling me that I need to gain back all the weight that I lost. I worked hard to lose those pounds, and I didn’t finish my goal yet, I wanted to lose just another five pounds. I was not going to give into this person telling me what to do; he doesn’t know what’s best for me. The sad thing is, he actually did know what was best for me and I just did not want to believe it. After that appointment, everything became a game to me. They told me to gain weight, I did just the opposite. I eventually got at too low of weight that I was endangering my life, I was then hospitalized. That was just the beginning.
I was admitted into Vassar Brothers hospital for a week. At that point I had reached my lowest weight and had a deadly slow heart rate when I slept. During that week I did nothing but try every which way to hide the food they were giving me to eat and find some way to exercise. Within a week at Vassar Brothers Hospital, they knew that they could not help me, so they sent me over to Long Island Jewish Medical Center Eating Disorder Program. While a client there, I was in complete denial. Every little thing at and about LIJ I hated. Every time that I heard the elevator ding, I had a great amount of anxiety come over me because I knew that it meant lunch time was an elevator ride away. Every night that the nurses said I had to go back to my room, I would try to find a way to burn off all the food I ate. It came to be that almost day I got in trouble for doing something that wasn’t allowed, whether it is exercising hiding food or saying something that could trigger someone else in the room. I was there for about two months, gained enough weight to be discharged. I was able to go home and go back to school, but before I left I learned enough tricks to lose all the weight I gained.
I went back to my normal life, went to my high school and attended classes, did my homework, hid food I was supposed to be eating and over exercised. It became noticed by my parents that I was relapsing. They took action and put me into another rehab for eating disorders. This one was called The Renfrew Center. I was there for four months. While there, it took me awhile to gain the weight because I did not want to let go of the disease. I had control of it and did not want to give up that control. I never got to control anything in my life before I was told what to do and how to do it. I was fascinated by the concept that I had control and could do what I want and how I want to do it. I would go to the rehab center for the day, have group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, and eat meals that I would never think about touching because I was terrified that they would make me gain a ton of weight. When I took a look at those meals, I calculated the calories in it and how I could get rid of them. The thing is, I was getting tired of this game. I was drained of having everyone push something that I was fighting against them. I did not want that, I was on my own team, it was 100 against 1. There was no way that I could win, and no way that I was correct and everyone else was wrong. At this point in time, I was becoming to agreement that I had a problem and that only I could solve it. I still had some horrible days where I would refuse to eat meals or hide some of the food that I was supposed to eat, but I also had the days where I let myself eat what I wanted to and what I was told to eat and I had no guilty feeling.
Over time, I eventually gained weight but still had the fear of becoming fat and having a distorted body image. On May 1, 2008 I was released from the rehab and could go back to school and my normal life. This time I was not left out in the cold and just put back into the world without a support team in place. I was set up with a nutritionist and therapist. For a year after being released, I went to see them regularly. I had long fights with them of not wanting to reach the weight they wanted me at, the “goal weight.” I thought that once I reached that, I was cured and the battle was over. I thought the weight they wanted me at was a “fat” weight. It really was only one pound heavier than I was before I lost all this weight but the fear of fat always seemed to stop me from stepping on the scale and looking at the results on the scale. It took me a long time to reach that weight but I had to become comfortable with that weight and being that weight otherwise I would have relapsed just like before. With each pound I gained, I also gained courage and strength. With this, I also gained back my hope and saw more than just today, I saw a tomorrow.
Anorexia Nervosa is just like alcoholism and a drug addiction. It is an addiction to the feeling of hunger and an empty stomach. It’s an addiction to the control. Those who are often
linked to this “illness” of addiction is because a personality trait of those people all contain the trait of addiction. For a lot of people, after they have one addiction under control, they will often seek out something else and become addicted to or on. With that being said, an addict can never say they are fully recovered. The person who has the addiction is always in recovery for the rest of their lives. I personally face thoughts of bad body image and in today’s society; there is always something about losing weight, which can be a trigger. I can say that I am a recovering anorexic because inside the disease will never go away. It is the way that I deal and act with those thoughts and triggers.
Without my family and friends, I would not have been able to face anorexia and overcome it. If it had not been for my best friend, the anorexia would have taken full control of my life and killed me. Dealing with this disease I have learned so much. One thing I learned from it is how to handle stuff in the real world, how to handle stress, and how to handle triggers. At first, I was scared for people to find out what I went through because I do not want sympathy from others. I speak out about my experience with anorexia nervosa for one reason alone, to help others. I went through pain and suffering, but I would not take it back if my experience and knowledge now about the disease and how to fight it can help one person. With that, I learned things happen for a reason and I now know why I was faced with anorexia nervosa.

I am thankful she let me have this and that we all got to hear her story.