I started this blog, said a lot of the things I needed to say, and now I'm wondering where to go from here. There is so much in my heart, but I'm having trouble finding the right words to say and how to express what this journey has felt like, what all it's been about, or how I got here. A lot of the mothers following this blog have been asking questions about if there were certain things that influenced me and helped guide me into my self-destructive spiral. The answer is yes. I cannot say how other children will react to certain things, or see certain things, but I can share some of the feelings I experienced that negatively influenced my life.
First...I will say that a small part of why I went through what I went through was simply because of what I loved to do. My passion in life was ballet. No, I will say it again and again, ballet did not cause my eating disorder...and at some points I believe it kept me healthy longer because I knew if I didn't take care of myself, I wouldn't be able to fulfill my dreams. But being involved in a field that focused so much on outer appearance was not good for me. It's not like that for everyone, but I do believe getting close to achieving my goal of becoming a professional ballet dancer, wanting to look perfect and be perfect helped push me over the edge I had been flirting with for so long.
It is impossible to tell a kid what to love and be passionate about, but I do wish I would have chosen something less about having a "perfect" body and "perfect" skill. It was what I loved, but for me it became part of my downfall.
Another even bigger and most influential part of my problem was that I felt that in my own personal life, perfection was demanded of me. I will first say that I know my parents raised me with love in their hearts and taught me in a way they believed was good and best. I do not blame them. I have siblings that took away different experiences than me with the same way I was raised and with the same family....but...the simple fact is that I felt nothing I did was good enough. Minor flaws were huge deals. I was controlled and the expectations set for me were so high I felt I could and would never achieve them. I felt worthless when I made the tiniest mistake. I learned to hate myself.
I wish I would have felt loved despite my imperfections. I wish I would have been told that it was okay to make mistakes and to love myself not only if I was "righteous" enough, but always. I hated myself, so i punished myself. Not only manifesting itself through an eating disorder, but through depression and my long battle with cutting. My parents, or religion, or anything or one else simply telling me that God loved me was not enough when I knew that I constantly let down this God, myself, and my parents. In some twisted way, for reasons unknown, I felt that although I could not be good enough for anyone else...if I could make my body the way I needed it to be that I would be happy. I could prove to myself that I had self-control, that I was beautiful and worth something. I don't know if that makes sense...or how to turn my experiences and thoughts growing up into advice for mothers, but take away from it what you can.
Feelings of lack of control and worthlessness are two big influences in eating disorders.
Girls who have lived with eating disorders and are reading this... You don't have to... but would you mind writing some of the feelings and influences you had in your life that helped put you on that path?
You know.. it sounds similar actually, and I don't know that anything HAS sounded as similar. I did gymnastics for 20 years (through college) and had high expectations as a child. At 15 years old I was on the national team, I graduated high school with a 4.0, I went to college on a full scholarship. I never felt good enough. I never thought anything I did was particularly remarkable. And.. my eating disorder started.
ReplyDeleteI used anorexia to feel "good enough" and seek approval and bulimia to tune out emotions. As I kept a regimented life, did collegiate gymnastics, double-majored, got into law school, I used bulimia and anorexia as the one place I "let myself go". At some point I honestly remember thinking, so what if this is my thing? I'm successful, employed, in a relationship, and so what if I have an eating disorder?
As I learned to accept myself and let myself explore what I really wanted in life, I have been able to let go of my eating disorder more and more. To be clear, I never quit gymnastics. I retired when I graduated from college. And I will graduate law school in May, having never taken a semester off. But I have learned to have meaningful relationships, including friendships. I have learned to have hobbies I ENJOY. ANd yes, some of these include exercise.
So I guess.. I don't have much to add. My experience stemmed from worthlessnes and lack of control.. Eventually, each time I relapsed, it didn't matter what went into it and the monster simply got bigger than I was.
That's such a tough question, trying to figure out how to help someone feel self-worth. I don't think those who do feel a lot of self worth can necessarily credit anyone in particular for that lesson-understood, or obviously take credit for that understanding themself. I personally believe that we are all given challenges and character flaws that we all have to figure out how to work around and how to overcome, little by little--it's just part of the human experience. Many people don't have that challenge, and are blessed with a high self-esteem. Lucky them, of course! (They probably deal with other life challenges, other personal weaknesses.) I am sad that the challenges of feelings of worthlessness and lack of self control are out there in the world, and that so many people struggle with that. And I'm sad that we don't all do better with what we're dealt. I'm sad that some people have to go through such hard times. But I'm glad that there is always hope, and I'm so glad Bekah that you have so many people that do love you, so that when the tough times roll and the monster grows, you are not completely alone. I know having a loving support system doesn't solve problems, but it can help.
ReplyDeleteSorry if I rambled too much.
Rebekah,
ReplyDeleteI have been debating and flirting with the idea of sharing my story since you first put this site up and asked for them and although you know part of my story no one knows my true battle as I have not shared it with anyone until now. Even then I can’t put everything into words.. As you said it is very personal and hard to admit you have a problem that you struggle with. However, for you and the sake of helping others understand and helping myself I will share mine and possibly hit some of the same points you have also covered..
I struggle with 2 different eating disorders.. I struggle with anorexia and binge eating. For some this may seem odd as they seem to people on the outside to be complete opposites. However, for me its hand and hand. It all has to do with my struggle with self-worth. As I sit here and look through my pictures (I do that often) I can see my struggle with both eating disorders.. Looking at my weight changes ranging from a bony size 1 to a very curvy size 14 (On my 5’ 4 ½ ‘frame you can see every pound I lose and put on making it harder for me and my struggle). I guess for people to understand this better I need to start at the beginning
My first recollection of me even thinking about weight was in the 4th grade… all of us girls were gathered around a seventeen magazine that one of the girls took from her older sister reading an article about weight. It said something to the effect of, if your inner thighs touched you were overweight! We all looked at our thighs and mine touched! From then on in that group of girls (they were not the nicest I was trying to be with the in crowd) I was known as thunder thighs. I went home that night and looked at my two very beautiful sisters and noticed that their thighs did not touch.. so the article must be true I’m fat. Now at this age I wanted nothing more than to be beautiful and fit in.. I felt plain and different being one of 10 bleach blondes in the whole school not to mention in the minority being white is a predominately Asian/Hispanic school and struggling with dyslexia. I had a much distorted view of beauty and I just wanted friends. Around this time my sister also took to taunting thunder thighs to me so it was like I could not get away from it! From that day on I started joining my oldest sister in her silly Kathy Ireland workouts..
Things really hit hard in the end of 5th grade when I was diagnosed with cancer. Kids are kids and they did not understand things such as cancer and would not play with me b/c I was contagious, and THEY even went to stealing my hats, I had to wear, hiding them in the boys bathroom. I became an ultimate outsider and working out at home and bike riding by myself was all I had. At this time I got fit not thin and it felt good to be called athletic and to feel my muscles burn with the workout video.
ReplyDeleteFast forward to High school… my parents were divorced and I was living in Texas now having a hard time being the new kid. Even after a year of 8th grade I was still the new kid.. I noticed everyone was so much more pretty than I and wanting so hard to be perfect like the other girls and yes wanting a boyfriend too (crazy I know) I started experimenting with makeup, Losing weight, making sure I had A’s, and becoming the best dancer I could be so I could make Sweethearts… I made it, started doing my makeup and clothes just as the magazines said, and studied hard… but it was not good enough! I was still made fun of and still did not have many friends.. and it still would not bring my parents back together and move me back to CA.. So I started eating.. I felt liek what the hell I can’t do anything right and if I’m as ugly as they say it does not matter! I gained weight.. Quite a bit and then the taunts got worse even family members started calling me chubby. However, dancing gave me motivation in both good and devastating ways.. I was motivated by the popularity and I wanted to be the best (I also loved dance don’t get me wrong but as a kid there were other reasons to get me in to it as well). to be the best you in dance you had to be thin.. so one again I stopped eating as much got fit and tada.. got better in dance thin was good! Then I fractured my back and had to start Birth control pills to help my POS and gained weight.. by the time I left HS my senior year I had lost the weight I gained.. due in part to stress and wanting to dance in college but also being turned down to prom by a guy I liked and had asked, b/c he said I had a big A** that helped push that along…
College is where it really hit! I was dancing full time and it was very completive to get parts and be the best, I was also in a very destructive relationship with my very first real boyfriend (yes my first real one) that with the stress I cut my calories to 500 a day.. I kept getting compliments from everyone on how great I looked and being thin made those beautiful angles in my face like the models had and my lines in dance became so much better etc… everything I was told just told me I was doing the right thing! I got the most attention I had ever gotten in my life and it made me feel good. I felt beautiful. However, I was always grumpy it seemed b/c I was so hungry and when I was at school I danced hard core… partied too hard and had panic attacks (to this day I have never gotten rid of) But I was beautiful so it was ok.. I was passing with A’s, I had a boyfriend, I was doing great in dance, I had friends and was beautiful everything I ever wanted.. This was also the thinnest I have ever been… It was about this time my parents stepped in and I also met and old friend with whom I would marry and was saved a hospital stay as I begged my parents to not take me.. I would eat just don’t take me.. My mother even started packing me lunches to make sure I had food on me at all times.. also with the help of people who cared and an injury (I tore my ACL) I got back to normal size. I got married but that had pressure all on its own some of which its not my story to tell, As well as being way to personal.. but others, as superficial as they may be, were the fact that he had 5 beautiful tall sisters who were very thin and even after having babies they were thin within weeks again.. for me that was a lot of pressure.. I did not feel good enough and I began eating (to this day I really have no clue why I do it except for the fact that I feel worthless.. also got pregnant at this time.. a surprise.. I danced until I was 8 months pregnant to pass my classes and to stay fit so I could be thin right after the baby… I was back dancing 1 month after. However, there was a problem the weight did not come off… there were also many hurtful things said to me from ones I loved about my weight at this time. By the time I graduated I was at my biggest I had ever been and struggling with my self-worth more than I ever had and was very depressed..
ReplyDeleteI started teaching and the anorexic relapse happened with a vengeance.. I’m not sure what made it hit I can’t really say but by March I was once again down to, not the thinnest I have been, but close to it. I enjoyed the attention and for some crazy warped since of thinking it made everything better (the first year of teaching, coaching, my marriage, my friendships).. This time I was confronted by a much respected person I worked with.. my boss. I realized the path I was going and put a stop to it.. however, other struggles in my life that I have right now (I’m not getting into yet.. still way to raw to talk about) keep me struggling to stay on a healthy path… So, am I better? no! Am I still up and down? YES.. Do I have health issues because of my choices? You bet! I have a heart issue worsened buy my destructiveness and panic attacks that have never gone away and a dangerous obsession with needing to be beautiful and feeling like I’m not. Yes I do need many affirmations to feel that way to feel beautiful.. for me it’s a borderline I need to feel beautiful to feel worth something and not over eat, but also at the same time if I’m getting thin and I’m complimented on being beautiful for being thin its bad. My doctor does not even tell me my weight and weighs me backwards for this reason.
ReplyDeleteI’m not in recovery at least I don’t feel that way b/c if I’m not starving myself thin I’m eating… obviously I have only touched the tip of what brought me to this frame of mind. I would be able to fill a book If I gave every detail but I did feel the need to respond and give a view point of someone who has more than one eating disorder. Is anyone to blame for this? No, most of it was in my head to begin, with circumstances just put it to motion. Am I crazy or making it up? No! I hate how people say we do this for attention or that if it is real we are “crazy”! Everyone has these thoughts at some point in time it does not make us any less normal.. heck people sculpt their bodies in body building and plastic surgery, and even with clothes and make up to achieve a “look” I did the same just my motivation and way of doing it was different.. it was unhealthy.
My biggest fear with sharing this is.. people will look at me different and I’m sure Rebekah, that was yours as well! However, I for one will never look at you different or anyone struggling with this that way and know that with the more openness we have with this subject matter, the less likely anyone will as well.
Kally, I really respect you for sharing your story. It's hard to read about people you care about having a such a negative body image to the point of an eating disorder and all the hard things you went through but, I think you are right about being open helping people. You did a great job describing how it's been for you and I learned some things from it, which is what I'm still trying to do--learn and understand. I think this is a problem that is a lot more common than people think. I'm writing from a little bit of a different perspective. I've had my body issues, as I think most women do, but it's never been all-consuming. What I'm dealing with right now is a 10 year old daughter who is showing a few unhealthy though processes related to weight and my complete panic that she will begin obsessing about it. From everything I've heard from you, Kally, and from Rebekah, the negative thoughts started young and family members didn't realize anything was wrong until you were well into your eating disorder. My daughter is built small and is constantly told at school that she is "skinny." She enjoyes being told this and has told me that there used to be a girl that was skinnier than she is and it made her feel weird that she wasn't the skinniest one. You can imagine how I felt as a mom and as someone who has watched her sister battle eating disorders hearing something like that. It made my heart drop. You can't control someone's thoughts about themselves, I know that well, so I keep on trying to understand how she feels love and giving her that kind of love and affection as much as I can. I hope it's enough, but it scares me to death. I love you guys and, if you have advice for me I am open it.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for sharing. So I have a questions... Those who have struggled in this area and knowing the Beth's little girl has certain tendencies that are bordering scary... what would you're advice be for her? Do you think that counseling is in order? How can she encourage away from this? Beth I hope I didn't overstep my bounds by asking this. I'm just hoping to be educated on what someone should do if they see these tendencies in their little ones.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for reaching out and sharing your stories, I can't tell you enough how educational this is, and how I love you all for telling the world and me as an individual. So many times I think this is a hush hush topic. Then when it comes up, no one knows how to help. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I know it may sound crazy but don’t make them feel like you expect the world of them!
ReplyDeleteI always felt that I had to be perfect.. I had to make the grades.. I had to be beautiful.. I had to be able to multi task and everything had to be the best.. I had to be the best! I have even taken that on as an adult and with my coaching! Guess what My Cheer team was the best this year and I still feel as if I did not do enough! Also If you are in a very strict religion (not trying to step on any toes there are many that are strict) You may feel you have to be perfect for god! Also know if they are one of many siblings they may feel the need to stand out.
The biggest factor is self worth and needing to control your life to be perfect stand out!!! Let them know it’s ok to fall short.. That failing is where the real lessons are learned.. Let them know they are beautiful just as they are and there is no need to change (I tell my daughter she is beautiful everyday)and do not push them or pressure them life does that enough.. also eliminate all negative body talk including praise for being thin.
Thank you Kally, your words make complete sense! I am glad you have helped me be more aware! I have a goal to never express any negative body talk with our children. My Mom would always stand in front of the mirror and talk about how fat she was becoming or she would directly ask me if this or that outfit made her look fat. She didn't realize how dangerous this was. As I could have taken this in such a negative way. How will you address healthy eating and exercising topics with your own children?
ReplyDeleteHow will you address healthy eating and exercising topics with your own children?
ReplyDeleteHummm . That’s a tough one! Well I think what I do right now addresses the topics without talking about them.. I more like set a good example. Mae is in gymnastics and I encourage her to play outside (in our fenced back yard) often. I also take her with me bike riding and swimming to keep both of us active. I also try to eat healthy dinners as a family nightly.
But I’m still working on this.. and would love suggestions from others as well
Thanks for the feedback, Kally. In some ways it makes me feel a little better, because I really try to do most of the things you talked about, but it also is scary because I'm not always sure if it's helping or not. I have so many fears for her, but I don't want her to somehow sense those fears and then live up to them for the attention it brings. I'm glad this blog is here because it gives me new things to think about. Thanks for the advice. I especially like what you said about letting them know they are okay if they fall short, because that's where lessons are learned. She's hard on herself when she makes mistakes, and sometimes I have to remind her that everyone makes mistakes. That's how we learn. That one mistake doesn't erase all the good things that she's done. She's still a good person. I hope she hears me. I think I'm still telling myself that sometimes. It's easy to be hard on ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. It's good to know people are reading and learning and understanding.
ReplyDeleteKally, it sounds like you are doing a great job! I think it is hard to teach your kids to be healthy, when the world says healthy is when you are muscular and petite. For me, I have set goals to learn about good nutrition so that it will be part of their life. So that they will be educated on good foods and healthy activities. I think this is a continual journey for everyone. There are no simple answers. Thanks for your input! What an amazing blog this is, love you Bekah! Miss you more than you know!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Beth, knowing you the way I do... she hears you! You are a wonderful mother, and are always there for your kids... they know of their self worth... and that makes all the difference.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. They make me think so much and I relate in ways. Some things I try to do with Jentrey and my boys are, never to talk about my weight or peoples weight. When my father in law and Dad were trying to lose weight it became a topic a few times at family gatherings. I tried to make sure my kids understood that they were trying to become healthy not thin. I want them to understand that nothing is wrong with having fat on your body. People are all different shapes and they can't all be like those flashed up on the TV screen. I have looked with Jentrey at Michaelangelos art (with the curvey women) and said "Isn't this beautiful." Caleb has poked my rear and said "squishy!" I say yeah! Cause people carry fat in their butts. It wouldn't be very comfortable to sit on bones." Jentrey has looked at my post-pregnancy belly and said "It's getting littler but it's not little yet" I say "yep it takes time plus I need extra fat to make good milk for Liddy" I hope these things are helpful or at least not hurtful. I really want Jentrey to understand that our bodies change alot as women and that's a wonderful thing. Any tips are welcome!!!!
ReplyDelete